I’m not really sure how you feel about a dude that hates bacon writing a list of necessities to be truly filed under the “man” department, but that’s your call. What is a man anyways? The last rule states a real man, these first 22 are just for shits and giggles though. Enjoy.
1.) If you don’t like the movies Forrest Gump or Shawshank Redemption, we might need to test your manhood. These movies are far from the typical Rudy, X Men, or Terminator in the testosterone department, but still should never be taken off the big screen if you stumble across them. I don’t know what it is about these feel good movies but watching them you can’t help to make you feel like more of a man. These are easy top fives in your queue.
2.) If you eat Red Vines instead of Twizzlers, your balls will shrink every time. I know we aren’t supposed to indulge on candy, but every now and than when you grab a flick or play board games, it’s nice to snack on a man’s candy. Red Vines however are like eating black licorice mixed with perfume. It’s not right for a man to choose these fake Twizzlers. Every time they do, a beard hair dies.
3.) If you’re afraid to kill a spider, you’re not qualified. It’s OK to hate spiders. It’s OK to turn into a ninja when you walk into a spider web and check every crevice to make sure an 8 legged creature didn’t attach to you. However, it is complete expected of you to compose yourself and get the job done for having it wander around in your territory. You don’t have to smash the thing to pieces. You could just move it back to it’s environment. But if you’re not willing to remove a creature that you are 100,000 times the size of, you might as well just hand in your man card right now.
4.) Look at this picture: Sexy? Check yes or no. If you checked no, take a hike. If you ever mutter the phrase, “She’s too bulky”, let’s sit down and rub some motor oil and dirt all over your body real quick. Muscles are sexy. I understand how some chicks can be completely roided out of their minds, and some guys prefer a little meat on the bone. We all have our characteristics we dream about, but not understanding the hard work and beauty it takes to create a body like this is unmanly. Think about her smell after a hot shower. Think about how she can rock it in bed. Think about her toughness. Think about being a man. You don’t have to marry her type, but you can drool over it.
5.) You’re not a man unless you hold the doors open for a woman, child, or elderly person. You can eat all the Twizzlers you want and quote every line from Forrest Gump, but if you’re the first to enter the building while being followed by a troop of grand-ma’s, you should get beat by their purses. You know what they always say: A true gentlemen will always open the door for his lady . . . and then smack her ass as she walks by.
6.) If you don’t love the smell of home improvement stores we should just dress you up in flannel and call you Al Boreland. There’s just something about the smell of sawdust mixed with paint and topped with metal that makes a man get an immediate fixation for buying another power tool he’ll only use once. That being said, if you don’t own any power tools, it’s not too late for you to redeem your Y chromosome back.
7.) If you have two favorite football teams. I’m not totally marking you down from man status with this one, because football is football, but there can only be one! You don’t have two women in your life, and if you do go fuck yourself because real men don’t need to. You should be true to one team.
Exceptions for this rule:
You like a certain player.
You want their opponent to lose.
You know one of the cheerleaders.
Non-exceptions for the rule:
You like the colors of their jerseys.
You enjoy commercials.
Pick one team then you can gain full manhood.
8.) If you haven’t tried to at least grow a beard once in your lifetime. One time is enough, even if you either hated it or just physically can’t grow one. However if you didn’t give it at least three weeks to fully settle, then we should just give you a Brazilian wax while we’re at it.
P.S. If you’ve ever had a Brazilian wax you fall under this category as well.
9.) If you don’t make gun noises when doing household chores or other such tasks. For instance, watering the yard; make a machine gun noise. Windex-ing the granite countertops; make a laser beam sound. Either way, a firearm should always be on your mind and even if you don’t own one; you can sure as hell pretend.
10.) If you are a rock star during a workout, you sir are a true scholar. There has to be at least one moment in your lift session when you play the air drums, air guitar, or bob your head like you are the lead bassist. However, once I see a man playing the ‘air triangle’ in the gym, I’ll run over there, step on your shoes and wave my finger in your face like Dikembe Mutombo.
11.) He’s got a hairy chest. He’s got nasty curly hair. He’s got the voice of a cross between Fergie and Jesus. But if you don’t appreciate or recite Will Ferrell lines all the time, you may not own a set of testicles.
12.) If you can’t recite every line and play every instrument during “Bohemian Rhapsody”, I can’t trust you. Even you don’t head bang during the solo, we may not even be friends. Watch Wayne’s World a couple times and jam out every chance you can. Queen may not be a manly band name Freddy Mercury doesn’t really top the list of “Top 10 Manliest Guys To Ever Live”, but they sure as hell wrote a melody that should be frequent in ever guy’s ears.
13.) There are some things in this world that deep down inside, even though you REALLY want to, you won’t do because you simply feel like your manhood would be destroyed.
Ellipticals, riding ponies, drinking Frappuchinos, and shaving your armpits are included in this.
14.) You like cats more than you like dogs; enough said.
15.) You like galloping through daisies more than you like driving in mud; enough said.
16.) If you have ever looked at a woman and thought to yourself how unattractive she was because of her fingernail color, eyelash fluffiness, make-up, or that her high heels don’t match her purse; we may need to questions some stuff.
17.) No. It does not matter what style of underwear you wear. Women have that preference.
But it does matter if your girlfriend can’t fit into your skinny jeans.
18.) Hockey is bad-ass. Football is sick. Baseball and basketball even have their places. If you can sit through a tennis match on TV though without playing a drinking game, you might want to pull down your skirt.
19.) If you like hair color over boob size, you should go ahead and click the red X at the top of your screen, please.
20.) You love golf. You hate golf . . . but there’s nothing quite like being outdoors, not working hard, drinking beer, and that fact that it’s normal to suck is quite exhilarating.
21.) Did you read 50 Shades of Grey? Tsk. Tsk.
22.) Grilling a steak makes you horny. It just does gentlemen. Admit it.
23.) If you don’t love, respect, and remain faithful to your closest human beings. If you don’t have a group of best friends that you would drop anything and do anything for. If you don’t wholeheartedly try to build upon your tightest bonds, whether it be family, friends, or spouse. These are the people who will depict your happiness in life. If you ever-so disown them or neglect them for an impure cause . . .
. . . you’re not a man. You are just a body. No man will ever leave theirs behind. Forget finding the right people. Focus on being the right man. It’ll just happen then.
“There is one rule for being a man, above all others: Whatever comes, face it on your feet.” ~Robert Jordan
This is where your body changes,